A well-conceived-and-crafted Christmas advert is truly a beautiful thing. The best of them tell a story, feature appealing, rounded characters, have a banging soundtrack, make you laugh/cry and crucially, sell a product or brand. My two favourite festive ads of all time, John Lewis’s 2011 masterpiece ‘The Long Wait’, and Plenty’s 2020 gem, ‘XMess’ are superb examples - watch them both, and I defy you not to weep and chortle. That’s why I watch the Christmas adverts obsessively every year – because, once in a while, the Donald Drapers of this world give you a Carousel moment - something really special, that gives you goosebumps, makes you believe Santa is real.

It’s been a tough year for everyone, with the cost-of-living crisis, Covid still rampant, a useless and corrupt government playing swap-the-leader, the climate emergency, and the Queen dying. I’m sure lots of ad creatives had to go back to the drawing board, hastily cobbling together something that more appropriately reflected the public mood, and perhaps the quality of what they produced took a hit as a result. Now is not the time to indulge in sarky takedowns, but oops, I’m doing it anyway, because they’re still spending millions telling us to buy pigs in blankets while old people freeze and children go hungry.

I first did this rundown seven years ago; before Trump, before Brexit, before the world careered to hell in a handcart. Like a ‘who needs central heating’ Boomer drooling over condensation on windows, it’s easy to have a rose-tinted view of the past, and imagine that the ads of yore were somehow finer creations, so I went back to have a look at my first ever summary. It turns out that in The Body Shop’s festive offering of 2015, ‘you almost see a penis’. So maybe I’m wrong and it wasn’t better then, but Lordy, this year’s mix is a selection box of shit. Let me take you through it, picking out the Bountys.

We’ll kick off with Asda, because at least they’re trying to do something clever. This advert uses a technique called ‘rotoscoping’ to take Will Ferrell’s character Buddy out of the famous Elf movie and put him in… Asda. So Buddy does all the funny stuff he did in what has been described as one of the greatest Christmas films of all time, but he does it in… Asda. The trouble with this is that I feel like your average viewer will simply assume that Ferrell was paid millions to recreate his role, and overlook the canny bit of editing actually involved. ‘He’s aged well!’ your nan will say, as she hoovers up Orange Cremes. And you’ll explain to her about this painstaking animation process while she nods off into her sherry. The genius responsible for this endeavour is Danny Kleinman who has designed every title sequence for the James Bond movies since GoldenEye in 1995 – except for Quantum of Solace. I don’t know what he was doing then – maybe researching ‘rotoscoping’. Anyway, now he can add ‘Asda commercial’ to his glittering CV, so that’s nice.

Last year, I enjoyed the Lidl advert because it featured a Lidl Christmas jumper which I wanted. I would have worn it and patted my tummy saying ‘the midl of Lidl!’ until everyone in my family descended on me with carving knives. Perhaps it’s for the best that this year Dad shrinks the Lidl jumper in the wash, so it can only be worn by Lidl Bear, who becomes famous as a result. Many a star has found fame wearing a very small top, but Lidl Bear has a lidl girl who misses him as he lives the high life. So he parachutes home and she’s happy. We don’t know how Lidl Bear feels because his expression is entirely inscrutable and also, he’s a frigging teddy bear. ‘Narrative complete’, announces the voiceover, as if they’ve just concluded eight seasons of Game of Thrones.

Talking of somehow-sentient soft toys, let’s take a lookie at Duckie in the M&S advert. They’ve re-introduced their animated Christmas Fairy, voiced by Dawn French, but this year she’s joined by Jennifer Saunders as a dog’s duck chew-toy come to life. It feels like a bit of a shame that these comedy luminaries are reduced to this, but I guess it’s not a shame for their bank accounts, which will be bulging like a chestnut-stuffed turkey. It’s money for old rope toy… Anyway, having awakened dog bed detritus, Fairy then conjures and narrates a mouth-watering M&S spread while bits of Duckie fall off him. We see an oozing Christmas pudding wreath; he loses a button eye. There’s a sumptuous feast on the table, but if Duckie leaves the security of the sideboard he’ll be mauled by his canine overlord. This is not just a metaphor, this is an M&S metaphor…

Marks has a Christmas Fairy, and Sainsbury’s has a Christmas Countess, in the form of Alison Hammond. Alison is choosing food for a medieval feast, and is pleased by the parade of culinary offerings, until a young chef has the audacity to suggest Christmas pudding. Now, Xmas pud is a divisive dessert, which may be why we often set fire to it. The Countess asks for ‘something different’ so the chef goes away and comes back with… another Christmas pudding. But Alison likes it because he put some sort of biscuit in it that he stole from a giant. I sense this particular ingredient contravenes government guidelines on marketing accuracy, but let’s face it, there’s a lot of naughty fallaciousness going on here. The story is supposedly set in a medieval world, but I noticed some fairly anachronistic ensembles, including a courtier in a Restoration wig, and an executioner with serious S&M vibes. In fact, some of the costumes look like they were purloined from a school nativity play. Off with their heads! Apart from Alison’s because she is not a Countess but a Queen.

Boots adverts are often bollocks, either set in a store that looks more like Liberty or daring to suggest their products make decent Christmas gifts when in fact you’d sulk like Mariah Carey if your boyf went to a chemist for your pressie. You might think I’m being snobby about it but I went to the website to look and was offered various mediocre smellies and a drawstring organiser. Anyway, Boots are still trying to pretend they’re a valid shopping destination and this year they’ve roped in Jill from It’s a Sin to find some magic glasses that allow her to see the perfect present for everyone. They’re all miraculously available in – yeah, you know it, my dude - Boots. Those specs belong to Santa btw. How they ended up on the bus where Jill found them is anyone’s guess, but I hope he had a spare pair. If he didn’t, he could always go to a certain local high street pharmacy and pick up a soggy sandwich while he’s at it.

The Very advert informs us that Christmas isn’t just one day, but lots of days, which, when you think about how fucking exhausting and expensive it is, fills me with dread.

Disney’s advert, ‘The Gift’, made me feel physically sick, as Disney often does. Another lidl girl is all sad because her mum is having a baby. Will she still be special etc. Then it’s born and she meets it and gives it her toy because she wuvs it so much. Give me strength. In real life, she would BITE THAT BABY.

Morrisons – ‘Farmer Christmas’, on a tractor instead of a sleigh. I can’t even.

The TK Maxx advert is really mental and worth a watch. Imagine The Queen’s Gambit but instead of chess it’s high-fives.

Aldi … listen, in the current climate, I appreciate that Kevin disapproves of a football tournament, but please… put ‘the UK’s most famous carrot’ out of his misery. It’s been years. He’s not just out of date, he’s disintegrated into a mouldy rotting mess on the warehouse floor. END IT.

OK, the Tesco one I quite like. Mainly because it tacitly acknowledges the state of British politics and offers an alternative in The Christmas Party. They promise the nation more joy in the form of sausages, wine and a referendum to see if Love Actually is the greatest Christmas film. As referendums go, it would be fiercely fought, maybe with cue cards, but would ultimately be benign and inconsequential, and thus I welcome it with open arms. Tesco also recognises the importance of bin day, my favourite day of the week. These are the things that matter, and I’m willing to register my membership. Who could be leader of The Christmas Party? Santa’s a bit busy, so I suggest… Hugh Grant, who handily played the Prime Minister in Love Actually. This isn’t just an advert, lads – it’s a potential coup. A bloodless one, unless you count the beef joint. Who’d have thought Tesco could be so subversive?

And so, to John Lewis, the leaders of the pack. They’ve had a duff run of late – the alien thing last year was lame – but in general their ads are head and shoulders above everyone else’s. There’s a return to form this year, with The Beginner, a story of a middle-aged man learning to skateboard so that he can welcome his new foster daughter into his home. Past efforts like The Bear and the Hare, and Excitable Edgar have been a bit try-hard cutesy and not rooted in real life, but this one does what a good ad is supposed to do, and highlights a cause. After trawling this year’s honking, tired, or OTT offerings, it was like finding a Maltesers Teaser in a load of old walnuts. Brava, John Lewis, you’ve brought the advertising trophy back home.

In conclusion, maybe commercials are better nowadays in that they have more of a social conscience. If you want another advert with a real message, then watch Shelter’s ‘Brave Face’, a powerful and heart-breaking story of a small boy and his mother contemplating a bleak holiday season in temporary accommodation. Maybe consider donating to their appeal, and perhaps that can be our Carousel moment this Christmas. Wreathed in cigarette smoke, Don Draper is nodding his approval.