#89 A Ski Lodge for Christmas
15/11/22 13:10
There’s only one thing I like better than settling down with a good festive film, and that’s settling down with a bad one. Last year, Brooke Shields provided lashings of sickening yuletide entertainment, and this year Lindsay Lohan steps up with Falling For Christmas, a movie so preposterous it should be loaded onto a snowmobile, revved up and launched off a precipice.
You know the drill with this shit. Spoilt rich girl finds herself stranded in snowy Hicksville, and after some ‘oooh I’m hapless!’ capery, falls in love with the locals, and one floppy-haired ODB (Ordinary Decent Bloke) in particular. That’s Falling For Christmas. You could have got that from the trailer, or from the film poster, or indeed not bothered at all and just scrolled past the thumbnail on Netflix, safe in the knowledge that your eyes would remain unscarred by Lindsay’s tinselled ‘rom’ ‘com’. You don’t need to know any more. But I’m going to tell you anyway. Buckle up, kids, let’s go for a slay-ride (sic).
Linz plays Sierra Belmont, whose father owns the Belmont Summit Resort in Aspen. Yes, they’re rich. We know this because of an extended opening sequence featuring men getting out of supercars and women getting in rooftop pools. Sounds chilly, you’re thinking, but you’re not thinking like a rich person, happy to sacrifice the planet so they can take an outdoor plunge in sub-zero temperatures. J’accuzie. Ironically, given her family’s contribution to the climate emergency, Sierra is about to take a job as Vice President of Atmosphere, a position her father offered her, that she doesn’t want. Even Sierra, spoon-fed caviar by her resident glam team, realises it’s a meaningless role. Perhaps her boyfriend and online influencer Tad can offer an alternative path? Tad is a Ken Doll who looks like he was bolted together in a Westworld warehouse – rubbery-smooth skin, blinding teeth and a quiff you could ski jump off. Right after he proposes on a mountain, Sierra falls off it, knocks her head, and wakes up with no idea who she is. It’s Overboard, but with snow and schmaltz.
ODB Jake Russel happens to be passing in his sleigh, spots Sierra’s prone body, and takes her back to his modest ski resort. Let’s unpack that a little. Jake Russel… Not Jack, to drive the puppy-dog allusion home, but something altogether subtler. Jake is in a sleigh because it’s the opposite of a super-car – simple, rustic, old-fashioned. He’s Sierra’s knight in shining armour – well, more of a plaid shirt - unlike Tad the cad, who struts around in Gucci. Jake spirits Sierra away to his lodge, which isn’t as luxe as the Belmont, but makes up for it with quaint charm and nestling baubles. Like A Castle for Christmas, everything is draped in festive greenery and fairy lights. If it stands still, they put a wreath on it, coz Crimbo innit. Incidentally, Jake is played by an actor called Chord Overstreet, a deeply pleasing moniker that sounds appropriately Dickensian. The local Sheriff is played by a Mr Charity. I kid you not. This stuff’s gold.
Anyway, so Sierra doesn’t know she’s Sierra because she has amnesia, and for some reason Jake has also forgotten that he met her the day before at her Dad’s hotel when he was lobbying for funding to rescue his struggling lodge. Having spilled cocoa on Sierra barely hours ago, and been escorted off the premises by her minders, Jake somehow has no recollection of this encounter and at no point says ‘Hang on, didn’t we meet yesterday at the Belmont Summit Resort?’ Though I guess if he did then it would be a really short film – as it is, it’s a mercifully brief hour and a half.
Instead, Sierra, now having rechristened herself Sarah after a toy alpaca, settles into her new life at Northstar Lodge, Jake’s failing resort. In the space of four days, she ingratiates herself with Jake’s mother-in-law and charms his young daughter Avy – Jake’s wife tragically having passed away two years before to solidify his sensitive ODB status, and make him handily single. Sarah also befriends Jake’s horse Balthazar, learns a range of simple domestic tasks that were hitherto beyond her, becomes a charity volunteer, and singlehandedly saves Northstar Lodge from ruin by staging an It’s a Wonderful Life-style fundraiser where the townspeople come together to thank Jake for being such an ODB. There’s also a sort of creepy-Santa guy in the local market who looks like Only Fools and Horses’ Uncle Albert after a face-lift. He seems to be there to inject some entirely superfluous supernatural element to proceedings, and sell Sarah a snow globe that sparks a memory of her dead mum. However, she is stubbornly unwilling to remember anything of Tad, her bimboy lover. Not while Northstar Lodge is all cosy and twinkly, and Jake lets her put his dead wife’s fairy on top of his tree. No, that’s not a euphemism, you filthy animals.
Meanwhile, Sarah-Sierra’s erstwhile fiancé hasn’t alerted the authorities to her absence because he is busy trekking through the arctic wilderness with a poacher called Ralph. They form a passionate friendship that takes this sub-plot into Brokeback territory – the clue’s in their names: Tad and Ralph, aka Ted and Ralph in The Fast Show. Anyway, before they can get properly amorous in the woods, the Sheriff picks them up and arrests Ralph. It’s a busy day for Sheriff Borden, who, having spoken to Sierra Belmont’s frantic father, also realises who Sarah Northstar really is. Restored to the bosom of the family hotel, any remote possibility of jeopardy melts like snow on a griddle as Sierra briskly tells her father she doesn’t want the job, and Tad she doesn’t want the ring. Jake sweeps up on another sleigh provided by creepy-Santa and pulled by Balthazar. The happy couple kiss next to a Christmas tree and live happily ever after, in the no-longer-failing Northstar Lodge. The End, tied up with a bow, with bells on.
Lindsay Lohan is a good actress, with great screen presence, but she looks anywhere between 13 (because we remember her in Freaky Friday) and 43 (because she’s had so much work done), and I couldn’t decide if she was too young for Jake, or too old. It doesn’t help that Chord Overstreet has as much charisma as an overboiled sprout. There’s more chemistry between Tad and Ralph. Between Balthazar the horse’s arse, and the sleigh. But perhaps we’re not supposed to be falling for Sierra and Jake’s romance – we’re Falling for Christmas, and this film offers it in snow shovels. Christmas decorations, Christmas songs, Christmas cookies, Christmas gifts, Christmas sentiment. Who cares if the rom isn’t very rom and the com isn’t very strong? It has all the ingredients of a bad festive film – that is: sugar, sugar, sugar and sugar, with a sprinkling of icing sugar on top. But, you know, Lindsay has a fairly salty past, and maybe she just wanted something sweet for a change. Only a real Scrooge would begrudge her that.
You know the drill with this shit. Spoilt rich girl finds herself stranded in snowy Hicksville, and after some ‘oooh I’m hapless!’ capery, falls in love with the locals, and one floppy-haired ODB (Ordinary Decent Bloke) in particular. That’s Falling For Christmas. You could have got that from the trailer, or from the film poster, or indeed not bothered at all and just scrolled past the thumbnail on Netflix, safe in the knowledge that your eyes would remain unscarred by Lindsay’s tinselled ‘rom’ ‘com’. You don’t need to know any more. But I’m going to tell you anyway. Buckle up, kids, let’s go for a slay-ride (sic).
Linz plays Sierra Belmont, whose father owns the Belmont Summit Resort in Aspen. Yes, they’re rich. We know this because of an extended opening sequence featuring men getting out of supercars and women getting in rooftop pools. Sounds chilly, you’re thinking, but you’re not thinking like a rich person, happy to sacrifice the planet so they can take an outdoor plunge in sub-zero temperatures. J’accuzie. Ironically, given her family’s contribution to the climate emergency, Sierra is about to take a job as Vice President of Atmosphere, a position her father offered her, that she doesn’t want. Even Sierra, spoon-fed caviar by her resident glam team, realises it’s a meaningless role. Perhaps her boyfriend and online influencer Tad can offer an alternative path? Tad is a Ken Doll who looks like he was bolted together in a Westworld warehouse – rubbery-smooth skin, blinding teeth and a quiff you could ski jump off. Right after he proposes on a mountain, Sierra falls off it, knocks her head, and wakes up with no idea who she is. It’s Overboard, but with snow and schmaltz.
ODB Jake Russel happens to be passing in his sleigh, spots Sierra’s prone body, and takes her back to his modest ski resort. Let’s unpack that a little. Jake Russel… Not Jack, to drive the puppy-dog allusion home, but something altogether subtler. Jake is in a sleigh because it’s the opposite of a super-car – simple, rustic, old-fashioned. He’s Sierra’s knight in shining armour – well, more of a plaid shirt - unlike Tad the cad, who struts around in Gucci. Jake spirits Sierra away to his lodge, which isn’t as luxe as the Belmont, but makes up for it with quaint charm and nestling baubles. Like A Castle for Christmas, everything is draped in festive greenery and fairy lights. If it stands still, they put a wreath on it, coz Crimbo innit. Incidentally, Jake is played by an actor called Chord Overstreet, a deeply pleasing moniker that sounds appropriately Dickensian. The local Sheriff is played by a Mr Charity. I kid you not. This stuff’s gold.
Anyway, so Sierra doesn’t know she’s Sierra because she has amnesia, and for some reason Jake has also forgotten that he met her the day before at her Dad’s hotel when he was lobbying for funding to rescue his struggling lodge. Having spilled cocoa on Sierra barely hours ago, and been escorted off the premises by her minders, Jake somehow has no recollection of this encounter and at no point says ‘Hang on, didn’t we meet yesterday at the Belmont Summit Resort?’ Though I guess if he did then it would be a really short film – as it is, it’s a mercifully brief hour and a half.
Instead, Sierra, now having rechristened herself Sarah after a toy alpaca, settles into her new life at Northstar Lodge, Jake’s failing resort. In the space of four days, she ingratiates herself with Jake’s mother-in-law and charms his young daughter Avy – Jake’s wife tragically having passed away two years before to solidify his sensitive ODB status, and make him handily single. Sarah also befriends Jake’s horse Balthazar, learns a range of simple domestic tasks that were hitherto beyond her, becomes a charity volunteer, and singlehandedly saves Northstar Lodge from ruin by staging an It’s a Wonderful Life-style fundraiser where the townspeople come together to thank Jake for being such an ODB. There’s also a sort of creepy-Santa guy in the local market who looks like Only Fools and Horses’ Uncle Albert after a face-lift. He seems to be there to inject some entirely superfluous supernatural element to proceedings, and sell Sarah a snow globe that sparks a memory of her dead mum. However, she is stubbornly unwilling to remember anything of Tad, her bimboy lover. Not while Northstar Lodge is all cosy and twinkly, and Jake lets her put his dead wife’s fairy on top of his tree. No, that’s not a euphemism, you filthy animals.
Meanwhile, Sarah-Sierra’s erstwhile fiancé hasn’t alerted the authorities to her absence because he is busy trekking through the arctic wilderness with a poacher called Ralph. They form a passionate friendship that takes this sub-plot into Brokeback territory – the clue’s in their names: Tad and Ralph, aka Ted and Ralph in The Fast Show. Anyway, before they can get properly amorous in the woods, the Sheriff picks them up and arrests Ralph. It’s a busy day for Sheriff Borden, who, having spoken to Sierra Belmont’s frantic father, also realises who Sarah Northstar really is. Restored to the bosom of the family hotel, any remote possibility of jeopardy melts like snow on a griddle as Sierra briskly tells her father she doesn’t want the job, and Tad she doesn’t want the ring. Jake sweeps up on another sleigh provided by creepy-Santa and pulled by Balthazar. The happy couple kiss next to a Christmas tree and live happily ever after, in the no-longer-failing Northstar Lodge. The End, tied up with a bow, with bells on.
Lindsay Lohan is a good actress, with great screen presence, but she looks anywhere between 13 (because we remember her in Freaky Friday) and 43 (because she’s had so much work done), and I couldn’t decide if she was too young for Jake, or too old. It doesn’t help that Chord Overstreet has as much charisma as an overboiled sprout. There’s more chemistry between Tad and Ralph. Between Balthazar the horse’s arse, and the sleigh. But perhaps we’re not supposed to be falling for Sierra and Jake’s romance – we’re Falling for Christmas, and this film offers it in snow shovels. Christmas decorations, Christmas songs, Christmas cookies, Christmas gifts, Christmas sentiment. Who cares if the rom isn’t very rom and the com isn’t very strong? It has all the ingredients of a bad festive film – that is: sugar, sugar, sugar and sugar, with a sprinkling of icing sugar on top. But, you know, Lindsay has a fairly salty past, and maybe she just wanted something sweet for a change. Only a real Scrooge would begrudge her that.
- Falling for Christmas, Netflix
