Last week, a man posted on twitter/X/whatever that his wife had taken a day of annual leave to watch the third series of Bridgerton. It was a blokey ‘what’s this all about then eh’ thread, but I was filled with admiration for this legendary woman. I myself have binged the first four eps (the only ones available as yet) in an indecent amount of time, when I should have been doing more useful things. More useful things, but not more enjoyable ones. Could there be anything more pleasurable or indulgent than settling down to watch this glorious, frothy puffed sleeve of a show? *Flicks fan* I think not.

Another reason I snarfed it was because my husband asked me to provide a review/summary for listeners on his Magic radio show. I warned him that my musings might be too explicit for their delicate ears, and predictably he ruthlessly censored what I produced. So here is the unredacted version, with naughty bits fully exposed.

I’d heard there was less sex this season but you’ll be glad to know that’s balls. Colin Bridgerton gets his top off – gratuitously - six minutes into the first episode, and 25 minutes in, there’s a full-on romp between Anthony Bridgerton, the Viscount, and his new wife, Kate. If you want more details then let’s say they’re making a baby but what they’re doing definitely wouldn’t make a baby. Let’s say: cunnilingus. I didn’t know where to look! (Reader, I did know.) There’s also a threesome right at the beginning of Ep 2, and a verrrry steamy encounter at the end of the fourth episode which we’ll, er, come to later. But Bridgerton is about more than just rumpy-pumpy, you know. It may be fuelled by bonking, but if the engine is fired by regular injections of hot coal coitus, remember that there’s a whole train of other stuff going on.

Before consummation comes the romance, for example. Heaving bosoms and yearning glances. And I’m pleased to report that the best instances of this are between two women: Penelope Featherington and Eloise Bridgerton, former best friends who’ve fallen out. In the last series, Eloise, having discovered that Penelope is society’s withering social commentator Lady Whistledown, took umbrage and flounced. Eloise has now transferred her attentions to Cressida Cowper, who’s a right bitch, while Pen is left to languish and look longingly in her ex-BF’s direction. They’re both clearly desperate to make up, but not sure how to go about it, and I find this platonic twist on will-they-won’t-they rather touching. In fact, season 3 seems to be as much about friendship as fornication. Last year’s spin-off Queen Charlotte explored the Queen’s early bond with Lady Danbury, which blossomed into a mutually supportive and long-standing alliance that shapes the Bridgerton world. When these two formidable women put their heads together, you know that others’ genitals will meet as a result… But back to buddies: nurtured by Eloise’s affection, Cressida turns out to be less of a cow than previously thought, while Penelope and Francesca Bridgerton, both more introverted characters, share a sweet wallflower moment at a gathering. I like the dash of sisterhood we’re seeing, and hope it continues.

Francesca is an engaging character, mainly because she’s quite weird. Behind that blandly beautiful face is a woman who simply wants some peace to play the piano and… sit in silence. Francesca’s quest to find someone who will leave her alone is a fun side hustle in this series. A less successful sub-plot is the elevation of Will Mondrich from club owner to member of the Ton. High society disapproves of Mondrich’s determination to retain his business, preferring its gentlemen to be ones of leisure. Will and Alice are a cute couple but their dilemma doesn’t feel very high stakes. Give it up, don’t give it up; who cares? They’re rich now and they already hooked up, so I’m not invested.

Of course, the main event here is Penelope and Colin. She’s been in lurve with him for yonks, but he was busy gadding about sowing his wild oats. Now he’s back from his travels with a seasoned air, leaving all the ladies aflutter. Pen’s been friend-zoned, so she gives herself a glow-up to get noticed. Colin does notice her – he says she looks jolly nice, deserves a decent bloke, and he'll help her find one. Cheers, Col. Naturally, in classic romcom fashion, as soon as someone else wants her, he realises he fancies her like mad.

Penelope’s new suitor is the rather lovely Lord Debling, a vegetarian nature-lover dismissed as a raving eccentric by almost everyone. I must admit I found myself wondering if he wouldn’t be a better prospect than Colin, whose central (hot) pursuit is paying for three-ways. Of course, Pen is holding out for her true love, but as her mother hisses: ‘Do you know what is romantic? Security!’ I found myself for once in hearty agreement with Lady Featherington. Besides, those Bridgerton boys are a bit up themselves.

In the end, Colin is not only up himself but Penelope too, a jealous quarrel somehow climaxing in him fingering Miss Featherington in a carriage on the way home from a ball. It’s an intriguing turn of events, given that she was on the brink of being proposed to by Lord Deb. Now she’s on the brink of something else entirely. Only a few scenes ago Pen was complaining about never having been kissed, and in the snap of a reticule she’s putting out for all the Regency dogging enthusiasts in the vicinity. Scandalous behaviour – what would Lady Whistledown say?!

Of course, Penelope is Lady Whistledown, and is sometimes obliged to write disparagingly about herself to deflect suspicion. However, one assumes this little episode won’t find its way into one of her scathing pamphlets… To be honest, I don’t think Lady Whistledown’s scandal sheets would stand up if you read them in their entirety. As occasional Julie Andrews voiceovers, they make fine pointed commentary on the action, but as actual gossip columns, I think they make about as much sense as Boris Johnson’s Daily Mail burblings. Pen should accept someone’s hand in marriage if only to escape her pseudonym’s inevitable death throes.

Part One of this series ends on a cliff-hanger – will Penelope accept Colin’s shock proposal? I mean, it’s not really a cliff-hanger, is it – she absolutely will, because it sets up a deliciously tempting mille-feuille for the next instalment. Colin loathes Lady W and has vowed to ruin her – what happens when he finds out his bride-to-be is none other than society’s deadly scribe? Pass the popcorn – or a dish of Gunter’s ice cream – because I am gagging for Part Two to drop.

In Bridgerton, the weather’s always fine, the flowers always blooming, the residences always exquisite. The costumes are ridiculously extravagant and unrepentantly inauthentic, the soundtrack relentless and anachronistic – this series includes string versions of Billie Eilish and Taylor Swift like Glastonbury 1815. It’s all completely absurd. And of course, it’s meant to be – this is romantasy, historasy, at its best. The rose-tinted version of love, of the period, of everything. Just as the diverse casting sets up a parallel Utopia where racial divides miraculously disintegrate, in this world the patriarchs are actually rather sensitive and thoughtful, ultimately respectful of women and committed to their sexual pleasure. Poverty and disease don’t exist, swept under the Persian carpet along with racism, misogyny, and all the Bad Stuff like gonorrhoea, rotten teeth and rookeries.

And I don’t mind any of that, relishing the opportunity to avert my gaze from the toxic binfire of reality. Because in the Bridgerton universe, good people love books, and ballet, the wonders of science and technical innovation. They appreciate libraries, art and music, nature, travel, and writing. It’s nice to see those things being celebrated, even if it is a fantasy.

So I know why that woman on twitter took the day off, is what I’m saying. I’m with her.

• Bridgerton Series 3, 4 episodes, Netflix (Part 2 drops on 13th June)