#111 A Visit from St Nicholas, Patron Saint of Merchants
12/11/24 14:26
‘Tis the month before Christmas, and on all our screens
The adverts are stirring, with sweet festive scenes;
There’s snow everywhere, despite global warming,
Celebrity cameos, cute kids performing.
Animate the toys! Let Yuletide commence!
Make everything twinkle, spare no expense.
But how do these brands make us feel warm inside?
Let’s take a look, in my annual guide…
First, we have Asda; the store is so bleak -
Who can help dress it and make it boutique?
It’s gnomes to the rescue; now, I have to admit
That this whole conceit is actually quite shit.
Lawn trinkets aren’t festive; they’re just dumb and tacky,
The advert is lame, and pun-fully wacky.
Perhaps Aldi is better – no, it’s Kevin once more,
This carrot needs shredding, until he’s coleslaw.
Lidl’s as bad, with their magic bell;
Sprouts turn to biscuits and make Mum’s life hell.
Some might say Sainsbury’s have given us a cracker
The BFG’s back, and Soph’s a shelf-stacker.
Together they harvest the food of the nation,
Veggie and meat, cheese and crustacean.
Job done, the giant then lumbers off home
Leaving Sophie to woman the tills on her own.
Boots gives us a treat with a Bridgerton wink,
Lady Danbury’s here, raising a stink,
She’s Mrs Claus now; Nick’s asleep on the job
So she does the work, since he’s such a slob.
It’s jolly good fun, though I can’t help but wonder…
Reinforcing a trope is a bit of a blunder.
Oven gloves are genderless, so that’s pretty safe,
But Morrisons’ warbling’s starting to chafe.
More reasons to look at your mitts with suspicion,
Melodious muffs on a sinister mission;
Like sirens on rocks, they serenade your turkey,
Lulling the bird till it tastes like beef jerky.
That crooning pot-holder that lured you in?
Bash it to death with a rolling pin!
Waitrose cashes in on the cosiest crime,
And everyone’s having a lovely time -
Their whodunnit centres on who nicked a pud,
With Succession’s Tom Wambsgans, it is rather good,
But it’s one of those ads that drags on and on,
Part 2 and denouement may make us all yawn.
On to Dawn French, who’s the M&S fairy,
And also herself, which is really quite eerie.
Did she get paid twice, for these two plum roles?
I wouldn’t have thought it was one of her goals,
To end up on telly, with Marks & Spencer
Her sparkly annual cash dispenser.
Barbour I like, with their cold choir of sheep
But those tartan scarves, they didn’t come cheap:
Thirty-five pounds a pop, for six singing ewes?
That’s two hundred quid that Bitzer just blew.
So bear it in mind when you’re clothing your band:
100% lambswool’s a swish couture brand.
Amazon’s offering sticks in my craw,
The tale of a cleaner who’s sweeping the floor
And humming a tune; could he be a star?
Let’s get him on stage – brava, brava!
But all I can think as the audience sobs,
It’s just like Jeff Bezos to make staff do two jobs.
John Lewis is king, it’s so often true;
A classy commercial, appointment to view,
Created to make one and all shed a tear,
Simultaneously flogging some hot pink cashmere.
A Narnian door shows a store of reminders -
Memories, bonds, the shared things that bind us.
‘Give Knowingly’, knowing your gift is just right,
While thoughtless folk offer their naff piles of shite.
A whirlwind tour of an intertwined life,
The sibling version of The Time Traveller’s Wife,
For nothing’s as potent as ‘the years, they fly by’ -
Just speed up the hourglass; the end is soon nigh.
Christmas comes round, again and again,
And its message is moulded by Adland’s wise men.
The adverts are stirring, with sweet festive scenes;
There’s snow everywhere, despite global warming,
Celebrity cameos, cute kids performing.
Animate the toys! Let Yuletide commence!
Make everything twinkle, spare no expense.
But how do these brands make us feel warm inside?
Let’s take a look, in my annual guide…
First, we have Asda; the store is so bleak -
Who can help dress it and make it boutique?
It’s gnomes to the rescue; now, I have to admit
That this whole conceit is actually quite shit.
Lawn trinkets aren’t festive; they’re just dumb and tacky,
The advert is lame, and pun-fully wacky.
Perhaps Aldi is better – no, it’s Kevin once more,
This carrot needs shredding, until he’s coleslaw.
Lidl’s as bad, with their magic bell;
Sprouts turn to biscuits and make Mum’s life hell.
Some might say Sainsbury’s have given us a cracker
The BFG’s back, and Soph’s a shelf-stacker.
Together they harvest the food of the nation,
Veggie and meat, cheese and crustacean.
Job done, the giant then lumbers off home
Leaving Sophie to woman the tills on her own.
Boots gives us a treat with a Bridgerton wink,
Lady Danbury’s here, raising a stink,
She’s Mrs Claus now; Nick’s asleep on the job
So she does the work, since he’s such a slob.
It’s jolly good fun, though I can’t help but wonder…
Reinforcing a trope is a bit of a blunder.
Oven gloves are genderless, so that’s pretty safe,
But Morrisons’ warbling’s starting to chafe.
More reasons to look at your mitts with suspicion,
Melodious muffs on a sinister mission;
Like sirens on rocks, they serenade your turkey,
Lulling the bird till it tastes like beef jerky.
That crooning pot-holder that lured you in?
Bash it to death with a rolling pin!
Waitrose cashes in on the cosiest crime,
And everyone’s having a lovely time -
Their whodunnit centres on who nicked a pud,
With Succession’s Tom Wambsgans, it is rather good,
But it’s one of those ads that drags on and on,
Part 2 and denouement may make us all yawn.
On to Dawn French, who’s the M&S fairy,
And also herself, which is really quite eerie.
Did she get paid twice, for these two plum roles?
I wouldn’t have thought it was one of her goals,
To end up on telly, with Marks & Spencer
Her sparkly annual cash dispenser.
Barbour I like, with their cold choir of sheep
But those tartan scarves, they didn’t come cheap:
Thirty-five pounds a pop, for six singing ewes?
That’s two hundred quid that Bitzer just blew.
So bear it in mind when you’re clothing your band:
100% lambswool’s a swish couture brand.
Amazon’s offering sticks in my craw,
The tale of a cleaner who’s sweeping the floor
And humming a tune; could he be a star?
Let’s get him on stage – brava, brava!
But all I can think as the audience sobs,
It’s just like Jeff Bezos to make staff do two jobs.
John Lewis is king, it’s so often true;
A classy commercial, appointment to view,
Created to make one and all shed a tear,
Simultaneously flogging some hot pink cashmere.
A Narnian door shows a store of reminders -
Memories, bonds, the shared things that bind us.
‘Give Knowingly’, knowing your gift is just right,
While thoughtless folk offer their naff piles of shite.
A whirlwind tour of an intertwined life,
The sibling version of The Time Traveller’s Wife,
For nothing’s as potent as ‘the years, they fly by’ -
Just speed up the hourglass; the end is soon nigh.
Christmas comes round, again and again,
And its message is moulded by Adland’s wise men.
