My two sons are fairly football-obsessed. Several times a week, I have to escort them to some sort of game or practise session – the eldest is now training with the District team, which is a phrase I don’t really understand except it seems to make my husband cry whenever anyone says it. He says it himself, quite a lot. I’m surprised he hasn’t taken out an advert in the Times, to let people know. My other half can’t play football, but he likes watching it and talking about it, and enduring paroxysms of despair when his team loses. It doesn’t look much fun, being a football fan, to be honest. But each to their own.

Anyway, what with one son getting into a special squad, another one coming up the ranks, and a husband who gets misty-eyed whenever he talks about Jurgen Klopp, I thought maybe I’d better take more of an interest in the pretty game – no, that’s not right... Lovely game? I’ll get it eventually. I’ve been going to watch my eldest son’s matches, and making mental notes when he talks about assists and nutmegs or whatever. Every now and then I read a secret Guardian report so I can say something like ‘can’t believe Salah shanked that penalty’ and enjoy their expressions of astonishment. It was going well, so I decided to watch Match of the Day to solidify my status as a conversant soccer mom. Let me tell you, I did not find it helpful.

This might seem like a minor point, but what happened to the theme music? I’m no MOTD regular but I was sure it kicked off with a jaunty tune, to get me in the mood for some kickabouts? The BBC recently axed their chamber choir as part of general classical music cuts, so maybe they got rid of the trumpeters too. Seems a shame, but I guess they needed to accommodate Director General Tim Davie’s recent £75k pay rise. There’s his chauffeur to shell out for as well. Everyone has to make sacrifices, we must all pull together etc. Music is a small price to pay.

So, it was a brisk start to a show I admit I’m not too familiar with, but I was happy to get on with it, get stuck into some FOOTBALL. That’s what I’m here for! Passes and top bins and a game of two halves and hugging the line or whatever. Oh, I don’t know – I’m not a football commentator! Talking of which… They really seemed to be letting the players get on with it without really… saying anything? I could have really done with some pointers on what was happening. It took me three minutes to work out that I was watching highlights from the Liverpool Bournemouth match. Liverpool didn’t seem to be very good, maybe they’re on a losing streak or something. I looked forward to that handsome man, Gary Whatsit, telling me what was what.

But where was he? The best bit of this show is where the experts, the ones who’ve done it and know how to talk about it, tell you about it. It’s a breather, in between all that football, where they explain the football. But it wasn’t there! Why have the BBC tweaked the format so drastically? Is it to save money to give to their hardworking, unbiased board members? I missed the friendly chat and football bantz, Gary and Wrighty, playing off against each other, offering pearls of wisdom, all of which I had intended to memorise and re-hash in front of my impressed sons. But all I had, so far, was a series of aggressive graphics with an accompanying sound effect that reminded me of a guillotine.

It was all rather relentless. One PREMIER LEAGUE HIGHLIGHTS package after another, with no respite. I realised that was what Gary’s soothing, compassionate tones and muscular presence provided – he’s the solid anchor to keep you steady, before you’re thrown back onto the pitch. To be frank, this was too much football, and I speak as a woman who currently has twelve footballs balanced precariously in her porch. In this regard, at least, I know what I’m talking about.

On and on it went. Football football football. No Gary. No pundits. No analysis. It was like the BBC had listened to that toffee-nosed twunt Gove, back when he said ‘Britain has had enough of experts’ and got rid of all the people who were informed, and could inform. But obviously, that’s nonsense – it’s not like the BBC would ever let the government tell them what to do! They’re bastions of impartiality, beholden to no one and nothing but the truth!

Anyway, I tell you what, they should get that gorgeous Gary back pronto, to sort out this mess. Maybe they could raid the board’s bonus pot, give him a bit of a raise, to say thank you. Otherwise, what they’ve done with this show could look a bit unfortunate – like that thing where a player accidentally kicks the ball between his team’s posts.

He’s a class act, that Gary. Get him back.

• Match of the Day, BBC One